Sunday, 3 April 2011

I'm here (in a fashion....)

Well, *PHYSICALLY* I'm here not quite sure about mentally. As Lewis will be 8 this year, it's beenn a while since I have done the whole pregnancy thing, and it has taken me a bit of getting used to, especially these late stages. I think I must have mentaally blocked out most of Lewis pregnancy and birth, as I can't ever remembe feeling this way, although I'm sure I did. I feel a lot ike I have lost my way, I have lost who I am, I am waiting and waitin g, and of course, the mood swings! I'm at the stage now where my focus is turning inward, I want to be alone, to prepare myself mentally and physically for what is about to be. But on the other hand I am in complete denial, I am still not letting myself believe I am actually going to have a baby and even that I'm pregnant. Maybe due to the fact this is my 7th pregnancy, and of course, I only have Lewis. I wake each morn ing thinking I have just been dream ing and I'm not pregnant at all, that is, until I haul myself out of bed with a bursting bladder and broken hips, then  I remember!!! A very strange time, and a very strange place; I feel so lost and vulnerable right now.

My OCD and anxiety goes from ok to horrendous. I have started back with my cbt man, and apart from the fact I can't concentrate to save myself, I think its helping. So far I have come to the conclusion that I have replaced the control that an eating disorder gave me, with the "control" that ocd gives me. I used not eating/bingeing/purging as something I felt I was in charge of, if I didnt eat, everything will be okay etc, and now we have the ocd giving me the same feeling. Although I know that I am NOT in control at all!!! Oh, and after baby is born, I am being tested for autism. Guess that would make sense as most of the traits Lewis has I can see them in myself. So will keep you posted how that goes!

So, to the bump! I have had so many medical appointments as they think I'm at risk of thrombophilia I feel like this experience is was out of my control. I need some grounding to bring me back to earth. Actually, the Mother magazine has really helped me a lot, it is keeping me sane, although I have run out of copies to read (I know all mine off by heart!!) so if anyone has any they re willing to sell/ lend out, please please please shout!!


32 week bump


me thinking I couldnt possibly get any bigger!!


to last week.
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5 comments:

  1. Becks3 April 2011 at 20:10

    Beautifulbump.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jessica4 April 2011 at 00:23

    Being Pregnant is not always completely easy so your allowed to feel a little uneasy during the whoile process.It dosnt help that they are poking and proding more then usual to keep both of you well.Hopefully he will be here soon and then life can settle back into your kind of normal + one new one.Hugs:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Scented Sweetpeas4 April 2011 at 20:16

    I used to explain those last few weeks to my hubby like mental torture - waiting is not nice is it. Like you say the control has gone too as you just have to wait and see what will be - I went into nesting overdrive even scrubbing walls!

    Once little one is born I am sure it will all settle down, just make sure you rest as much as you can when she/he arrives. I stay in my bedroom for 2 weeks after my last little one and it is the best thing i ever did, no stress, no baby blues - fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Marianne8 April 2011 at 16:39

    Yes, as sweetpeas says, look forward to your babymoon! Take it easy now....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dawn10 April 2011 at 08:56

    You and your bump are looking beautiful, take care hon and rest. Looking forward to your announcement.
    Enjoy, and take the time to rest when baby arrives as others have said.

    ((hugs)), thinking of you xxx

    ReplyDelete

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